When I was quite young I remember watching a movie called ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ by Oscar Wilde.
It is a movie that had such an impact, that it stuck with me for life, but was buried in my memory banks.
It wasn’t until I ended my marriage and the true narcissist in my ex husband came out and it was ‘game on’ for him. Back then, I didn’t even know what being a narcissist really meant.
When that happened, it took me a long time to work out I was dealing with a narcissist and then all I could think of was that he was like the picture of Dorian Gray. It’s a great portrayal of how a narc views themselves.
For those of you who are curious, I’ve found the old version of this movie and I would be interested to hear your view. Please leave a comment below to start a discussion.
The Covert Narcissist
What is the meaning of ‘covert narcissist’? First, let’s identify the definition of the word ‘covert’.
Covert: not openly shown, engaged in, or avowed : veiled
(source: https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/covert )
I do believe my ex-husband is this type of narcissist. He is more the victim, lacks self confidence, is eternally defensive about anything said to him, is rude and assertive / controlling. He doesn’t know how to ‘love-bomb’ and is extremely inconsiderate of others.
The opposite to this type of narcissist is the overt narcissist.
Overt: An action or attitude is done or shown in an open and obvious way.
https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/overt
The overt narcissist tends to want to show ego through material possessions, may jump from relationship to relationship or be two timing (or more). It’s like they have to fill the void of the soul that is empty with ‘things’.
It’s important to remember that no matter the type of narc you are dealing with, both lack empathy and as a result are easily able to abuse others and that includes using children as weapons to fulfill their own sense of worthlessness.
At times it has amazed me the power my ex has over our children. One of the important things for me was to remind myself that this is their journey too. If I am finding it difficult to navigate the abuse, then imagine how my children feel and they don’t have a label for what is happening.
Do Narcissists get Worse with Age?
It’s a question I asked myself upon reflection of my long relationship with a narc. I have also questioned if he was a narcissist since I didn’t ‘see’ it before we split. Yes, I knew he was one of the most selfish people I had met in my life (big red flag all the way through) and yes, he was not helpful when the children were born. He did contribute a little after our first child was born but I carried most of the load and it just got worse after each child. In the end, I was working from home and raising 3 babies pretty much on my own and I was exhausted on every level.
So do narcissists get worse with age? That appears open to debate. Studies have revealed that narcs mellow with age. I believe that it may depend on the severity of the narc. There may be less ‘supply’ which is what the narc uses (similar to The Picture of Dorian Gray) and they may become more abusive. If you have been living with or dealing with a narc, you will only need to reflect on their behaviour over time to see what may then lie ahead.
I recommend not having any expectations of things getting better. The important thing is the focus on your own life, given them little energy including thought-energy and ensure you have strong boundaries to keep their abuse at bay.
If you are dealing with parental alienation, then understanding that you are parenting with a narc will help you navigate this better.
Tips to Protecting Yourself Against a Narcissist
- Limit communication and ignore the emotion that will be loaded into their conversations with you. For example, if you are organizing a swap over with the children, just focus on the time and drop off place and do NOT repond to whatever else is put in their message to you. Remember that you don’t always have to have the last say. They want to keep engaging you to get their narc fix / supply.
Even if they are rude, respond respectfully so that if the evidence is to be presented, it will show the difference in your communication style and theirs.
2. Keep record of anything abusive. Print it off and include the date sent if it’s on the document / email / text. Keep a diary note to reference the correspondence.
3. If the kids come home in an emotional mess, acknowledge this with empathy. Give them a big hug and say you are sorry to see them come home upset. Then it’s time to shift the focus and this is how:
Line up an activity immediately to change their mindset. Have something set up like totem tennis or a board game or cards. If they are young enough, have an art activity set up ready to go on your kitchen table. Below is one of the things I used to do with my kids when they were younger.
There are many ways you can engage including playing calming music while they do art.
If you have a pet, go for a walk as soon as they get home and get them outside in nature. Talk about the clouds, birds you see on the way, interesting things. Sometimes we have discussions about interesting facts. If you don’t know any interesting facts, do an internet search and discover some things and use them as conversation prompts. Ask you child what their opinion is of something you saw or read about.
It’s also important not to get upset if they are upset. They need you to be their rock in the horrid storm you are in.
4. Focus on your own healing. I provide some resources on healing and the results can be instant in some cases. This is the greatest gift you can give yourself and your children. The results will mean you shift trauma and can deal more effectively with situations. You will also sleep better.
5. Cut off the dead wood. If you are surrounded by narcs and you find some relationships unhealthy then cut them off. The last thing you need when you are struggling with trauma is toxic people. When you cut off the dead branches you allow for new growth. Grab this opportunity with both hands.
Remember, that like The Picture of Dorian Gray, the narcissists mask will eventually come off.
Resources:
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/covert-narcissist#signs
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/12/191210111655.htm
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